Comments on: A Proposal to Ignore Monogamy

By: themayorofnowhere

themayorofnowhere — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:47:18 +0000

As someone who just got out of a poly relationship, I can only respond that polyamory, like socialism, cold fusion, and the Detroit Lions’ offensive system, only works on paper. In actual practice, it was a horrendous failure. My partner, who swore that she would never exercise a veto over my other partners, actually exercised two of them, because these relationships did not match her vision of poly. Both of these women, my partner thought, were obsessive and crazy.

In one case, I accepted her veto and broke a wonderful woman’s heart in the process. The second time around, the primary relationship was falling apart, and I didn’t care about the veto. I pressed forward anyway and had a passionate (if unwise) affair.

The primary relationship ended- badly. I came to see the my primary was the crazy one. I further came to see that every seriously poly person I ever met was completely batshit.

Every. Single. One.

These include a large number of highly public, well known poly people.

I have made amends to the woman whose heart I broke. I know that ship sailed, and she has moved on. But her experience with me only confirmed for her that it is simply unworkable. At some level, people want to be pair bonded to one other person.

By: causabon

causabon — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 02:35:47 +0000

I have to say that I really love this preceding comment. And there’s a good point there – we are only animals in the biological sense of the term, not in any other sense at all. (Perhaps, we are at times, in a figurative sense animals as well, but this is probably just quibbling.)

By: one-man woman

one-man woman — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 12:18:08 +0000

Hello, I would like to say that I DON’T agree with any of your ideas. You totally sideswept the reality of STDs and if everyone was promiscuous like you think they should be than the world would be a blood bath of veneral diseases and HIV, resulting in the steady extinction of the human race.
Also, we are only animals in the biological sense of the term. Are brains are more sophisticated than that of other species, therefore we are to act in a more sophisticated manner.
Lastly, I would recommend that you get some counseling for your thwarted ideas about relationships (or the lack of). Many people who have these ideas about sex have been sexually molested or raped in their past and it makes them cold and disconnected to it, so please consider this.
Lastly, you need to do your research because what you are talking about was already tried out in the hippie area of the 60’s and 70’s. It was called “free love.” People in this era also did a lot of drugs and lived reckless lives. It didn’t work then so there’s no reason to believe it’d work now.

By: Y. N.

Y. N. — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 17:44:42 +0000

Storm, the main difference I see between myself and the poly people I’ve met is in the way we look at the world. The poly people I know tend to hold an idealistic view that Every person is a potential legitimate lover, because every person is lovable. I don’t hold that view, simply because I don’t really like people. To me, very few people are potential lovers, in terms of percentage, but that number is certainly greater than one. Functionally, my ideas are no different than those of your poly community, but they do very ideologically. (Correct me if I’m wrong.)

By: Y. N.

Y. N. — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 17:37:35 +0000

Eliminating jealousy is more possible than you think, but it does require work. I know that for me, when a partner of mine sleeps with someone else there is always an initial stab of jealousy and a sucker punch to my ego. That lasts about a day and a half, over which time I remind myself why her action was reasonable, why I had condoned it in the first place, and how it has not affected our relationship. With those things in mind, jealousy no longer makes any sense.
But it does require some work, especially the first couple times.

By: Colin

Colin — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 16:59:41 +0000

Jones, not that I don’t think you have a point (sort of), but I always run into the same hangup when this subject comes up.

“Eliminate jealousy” is an easy statement to make and a nearly impossible thing to do. Feeling possessive about the people we love isn’t something we just decide to do one morning. It’s biologically ingrained.

By: Moonstorm Erosong

Moonstorm Erosong — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 14:08:33 +0000

I enjoyed your essay very much. However, as a person who’s been polyamorous since I was twelve years old, I’m left wondering what your “different reasons” are. The ideas you’re espousing are pretty commonplace within the poly community as I know and love it. What difference might it make in our culture if every person you met was thought of a a potential legitimate lover? Or erotic friend? Or play partner?

Blessings,

‘Storm

By: Cindy

Cindy — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 14:03:48 +0000

this… is something else…